


Care

by Oogi



Category: End Roll (Video Game)
Genre: And Russell is suffering, And Russell went through a lot, Anyways, Child Abuse, Don't read if your sensitive to this kind of stuff, I like to describe a lot, Other, but it's fun, extremely bad parenting, heh, i have no clue what i'm doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-11-22 09:32:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11377422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oogi/pseuds/Oogi
Summary: So uh I decided to write a story about this. I honestly don't know where I'm going but yeah. I'm always open for critique since I'm not a very good writer yet. I hope to satisfy your fluff needs. But for now, Russell has to suffer.Russell was a normal boy. Or was he? He sometimes questioned it. He had no feelings after all, was that normal?And why didn't he care when his dad hit him again?Why didn't he care?And that was when someone noticed: There must be something wrong with this boy.





	1. Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> Um yeah. I don't have much to say for this, other than that I wrote it at...  
> 1 am? xD

A little boy sat in the corner of a living room. His eyes were dull, his expression completely liveless. As if he was just a puppet. A puppet that a little kid could play with, a doll. Without emotions or any feelings. Something that you could hit and hate without having to feel bad.  
He wasn't scared anymore. He wasn't sad anymore. He wasn't ashamed anymore. He wasn't crying anymore. He.. didn't care anymore.  
No matter what happened. The little boy couldn't bring himself to care about what was truly happening in this household. His mind had gone numb, as he had gone numb to the pain he felt everytime dad hit him. Everytime he felt another hit from dad, he didn't feel anything. No matter how much he would beg for moms love, he wouldn't get it. His mom would only sleep with guys and ignore him.  
His body didn't even hurt anymore. It was a numb feeling.  
His red, green, blue and white skin.  
His completely empty mind.  
He didn't care about it.  
Russell didn't care.

His mind was numb as he heard the voice of his father calling from afar. It probably wasn't even that far away, but it felt like it. Russell didn't know nor did he care. He had lost his ability to care long ago.  
He had simply learned to go along with this life. He had simply grown used to it.  
It was almost scary how easily a humans mind was able to adapt to a life just to survive. Sometimes, he wonders if he even still wanted to be alive. But it didn't matter. He didn't care.  
He heard his mom gasping in pleasure in the other room. Screaming for more. Russell couldn't hear it anymore, but he didn't care. He couldn't care.  
How did one care?  
At school he had learned about some emotions. Like, sadness, or guilt. But, if you feel bad for hurting others, why did his parents not care? Why were they completely okay with hurting him, destroying this little childs mind? It was a thought that just didn't let go of him, but he didn't care. He didn't want to care. It was something he didn't know and he was scared of things he didn't know. He didn't want things he didn't know. Things that he didn't know should just disappear.  
Happiness?  
Disappear.  
Kindness?  
_Disappear._  
Care?  
**Disappear.**

It was one of these days were dad was especially angry. Somehow, Russell didn't know why. Maybe something had gone wrong at work. Or he lost money again. Or he had realised how useless Russell was again. Or it was for no reason in the first place, Russell didn't know nor care. All he felt was the pain when the beer bottle hit the wall close to his head and let glass shards fly, one cutting him in the face.  
His expression stayed blank. He was dull.  
Every normal kid would be scared by now.  
But he wasn't.  
He was calm.  
He was numb.

The blood ran across his cheek, soon hitting the floor as he smelled the beer. He felt his hair grabbed, but his expression stayed calm. Dull. Empty. Numb.  
He didn't say anything. He didn't defy or try to protect himself.  
All he felt was how his head got bashed to the wall and he felt something in his head again.  
Somehow he felt even number.  
If that was even possible, that is. He was even going numb to the pain he normally felt when dad did this. Russell felt himself pulled up on his feet, but soon held into the air by his neck.  
Russell didn't react.  
He didn't care.  
He stared at him with blank, dull eyes.

He didn't even question his dads doing. He only stared at him. He didn't even wince or cry in any pain. He heard the words again. The words that have been written on the back of his head. The words that repeated in his head. The words that both of his parents would always repeat.  
"You're useless."  
"You shouldn't have been born."  
"You're worthless."  
"You're only causing trouble."  
"You ruined our life."  
And honestly, that was probably true. But Russell didn't care anymore. It didn't hurt him anymore. His mind and heart had gone numb.  
This little boy was scared of things he didn't know. He wanted them to disappear. And so, he pushed everything away that wouldn't hurt him.  
He put up walls. He threw away the ability to care. How it must normally hurt for a kid to hear that. But he couldn't care. He didn't care.  
Soon his dad let him fall to the ground again, but before he even was able to touch the ground he got grabbed by the already blue and green wrist, his dad pressing tightly. It hurt, but Russell just looked him in the eyes carelessly. He didn't care at all.  
He ignored the pain completely. He ignored how he could barely stand. He ignored everything.  
Russell, indeed, was numb.

A slap. His cheek turned red. More blood poured out of the wound, dyeing his white shirt in a dirty red. Disgusting.  
He smelled the strong smell of alcohol.  
Disgusting.  
He saw his dads angered eyes.  
Disgusting.  
He heard his dads aggressive yelling.  
Disgusting.  
Even though his dad was right in front of him, the voice he heard sounded like it was far away. Maybe because Russells mind has already went too far away. Maybe because Russell had locked away his mind so carefully.  
But did it matter?

It probably didn't. Russell didn't feel anymore. It didn't hurt anymore. And so he just ignored all the hits he got on his arms. How much it hurt him to be alive. He was supposed to feel sad.  
At school, he learnt that such things normally make people feel sad.  
He learned that it was wrong to hurt others and that you would feel guilty in the end.  
But was that really true? After all, his parents never cared. They obviously didn't feel guilty. Or just a little bit sad. Russell didn't feel anything either. He was completely empty.  
So was he weird?  
Was he not normal?  
Was he..wrong?


	2. The zoo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Russell doesn't know this feeling.  
> And as he doesn't know it, he is scared of it.  
> Would it be okay to erase it?

Russell was left alone. Left alone in the dark, black surrounding him in his own empty hell. When he would sleep, he would only get nightmares. Nightmares didn't effect him though. He didn't care about them. His stare remained as empty as always.  
The next day, Russell couldn't stand his fathers yelling anymore. His father was yelling in the living room while he heard his mom moaning in pleasure in the other room. He pressed his hands on his ears in attempt to silence everything but he only hurt himself with that since his right wrist was completely bruised.  
That was when Russell got up from the ground.  
That was when he grabbed moms purse.  
And that was when he ran out of the house with the money.

And Russell ran.  
His hands were hid in his pockets so his green and blue wrists wouldn't be seen and he sighed as he was out of sight. Nobody had followed him. His mom probably didn't even notice him, neither did his dad.  
That was good.  
They weren't there.  
And although Russell normally went to Chris when this happened, this time he didn't feel like it. He didn't really want to bother him again.  
So Russell went to the zoo. At this time nobody should really be at the zoo so he could surely be alone. The little boy walked to the entry, staring with dull, blue eyes as he bought a zoo ticket and then went inside.  
As soon as Russell was inside a sigh left his mouth. There was really nobody here. That was good. It was calm. He heard some noises from some animals but he didn't care about that. He didn't care about anything.  
He noticed a couple sitting on a bench, whispering sweet things into each others ear. Russells face didn't show it, but he despised it.   
Their sweet words.  
Disgusting.  
Their loving gaze.  
Disgusting.  
Russell looked away, as he didn't want to see it anymore. He looked at some animals, walking around with his bruised wrists in his pockets. He didn't mind the cold weather, wearing his usual shorts and shirt.  
As long as his hurt body was hidden it was okay. As long as no bruises were seen it was okay.

Russell noticed a zookeeper. He wore a green, long coat and a golden hair ornament in his black hair. The little boy stared at him with dull eyes, as the zookeeper looked up and noticed the little boy. He waved with one hand, smiling gently at the boy.   
He didn't react.  
He only stared at him with dull eyes.  
With blue, lost eyes.  
He didn't stop looking him in the eyes as the zookeeper decided to walk closer to him. Russell didn't turn around, he didn't turn away. "Hey, what are you doing here all alone?", the zookeeper asked, but the little boy just stared. He shrugged. He didn't feel like talking.  
"Where are your parents?"  
No answer.  
Both fell silent for a second. "You're alone here?", he questioned then, Russell nodded. "Alright. How old are you?"  
13.  
"I'm Tabasa, thought you were younger than 13 though. You're pretty small for your age. Hehe. Ah, but that isn't bad! Don't worry, I'm sure you're still gonna grow!"  
Russell nodded. He didn't quite care.  
"What's your name?"  
Russell.  
"So Russell it is. Well, it could get a bit lonely all alone here. Do you want to accompany me?", he asked, still giving this little boy this gentle smile.  
This gentle smile confused him.  
It confused him a lot.  
Russell didn't quite get it.  
But he didn't care. No, not really.

Why did Tabasa smile when he saw him?  
Why was Tabasa the only one who didn't look at him with hate?  
Why was Tabasa so nice to him?  
Russell wanted to question it, but he didn't. He fell silent, nodding a little.   
"Alright. Then let's go." Tabasa smiled, turning around but looking back at the younger boy to make sure he was following him.  
Russell watched him feeding some antilopes, before they went to a room in the back.  
All alone.

Tabasa opened the door, motioning Russell to close it behind him. Russell did as he was told, before sighing deeply. Russell felt nothing. He felt empty. He looked at the animals, but as soon as they noticed Tabasa the monkeys started screeching.  
Russell clinches his fists for a second.  
Anger piled up inside of him.  
He closed his eyes.  
Dad should just die.  
"Hey, Russell? Wanna help me?", he asked, helping Russell snap back to reality and he shook his head. "Hm. Make yourself comfortable then, I guess." Tabasa shrugged, getting the food for the monkeys.  
And Russell didn't want to hear it anymore.  
They were screeching.  
Just like dad. Everything in Russell shut down. Somehow, he felt completely cold. His gaze wandered through the room, as he noticed an iron bar sitting in a corner.  
And somehow. Russell felt something.  
There was something when Tabasa looked at him.  
With this happy smile.  
There was something.  
Russell had felt something.  
Something he didn't want.  
He didn't want to feel.  
And so, as if on their own his feet moved. Moved closer to the iron bar, as Tabasa was feeding the monkeys.  
He didn't notice. He didn't notice how Russell carefully wrapped his fingers around the iron bar, holding it in his right hand.

And Russell didn't feel anything. Russell didn't shake. He didn't tremble. He didn't care. His fingers grabbed the iron bar tighter, the monkeys turning louder. Russell didn't feel.  
He stared.  
He stared at the zookeeper and the monkeys, holding the iron bar in his hand.  
As he stared at Tabasa, he got reminded of the way he made him feel.  
How Tabasa.. was nice to him.  
He didn't like that kindness. He didn't like the way he was feeling. He didn't want to feel. It hurt. He didn't want to care. And before he could care, he had to get rid of that problem, right?  
He stepped a step closer to him.  
Tabasa was so nice with the monkeys.  
Took care of them, trying to reassure them.  
That must be what it was like.. to have a big brother, right?  
But he had nobody, right?  
Why wouldn't Tabasa be his big brother?  
The animals had Tabasa to care for them.  
Nobody cared for Russell.  
Nobody helped Russell.  
Nobody wanted Russell.  
Nobody liked him.  
And that was, when Russell felt something in his chest. It hurt again.  
He didn't want that.  
He didn't want the pain.  
And so he raised the iron bar.


	3. Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter.

Russell didn't shake. Indeed, he was calm. All he did was gaze at the zookeeper with an empty stare. He didn't know why, but he hesitated. Why didn't he just do it?

That was when Tabasa swang around, widening his eyes and rolling to the side as Russell finally managed to swing the iron bar down.

But it was too late, because Russell didn't hear the dull sound of the iron bar hitting the zookeepers head he expected. Tabasa was breathing heavily, staring at the boy. "Man.. what the heck was that?.. You.. eh.. really.. got me scared there.. you alright..?", he stuttered, but still obviously scared, gulping. Russell held the iron bar in his right hand, staring at Tabasa with dull eyes.

"...Let that thing fall, now."

Russell did as he was told and the iron bar fell to the ground with a loud clong. He didn't shake. He didn't move like Tabasa expected. He didn't say anything.

The zookeeper tried to calm himself down, gulping and getting up. "A-alright.. Um.. what was that..", he asked him, but Russell just shrugged. He didn't feel like talking.

Then Tabasa closed his eyes to reassure himself. "...Did you.. you know.. try.. to kill me..?"

Russell nodded.

Both fell silent for a second, as Tabasa blinked at the empty boy. "...You know.. that.."

Russell nodded.

Again both fell silent, Tabasa has seemed to calmed down but he was still quite scared of the little boy.

Almost funny, how scared the man in his twenties seemed of the 13 year old boy.

 

"...........So...-" Tabasa wanted to say more, but suddenly Russell turned around to run away. But just as he got to the door, Tabasa managed to grab the little boys wrist, pulling him back. "H-hey! ...Russell, um..whatever I did..I'm sorry..", he apologised, even though he clearly wasn't at fault here. But he felt like he was, so he apologised.

Russell stared.

Then nodded.

He ignored the dull pain rushing through his body because of Tabasas grasp, even though it wasn't that tight. "....I'm sorry", Russell apologised too, sighing deeply. "I..I just..um..I..just..I..", he stuttered, not knowing what to say. "I'm..I..I..just..wanted..um..a..big..brother..um..I..B-brother.." His words were honest, because the boy never lied.

He only lied when he kept silent, but he answered so it was true.

"You..wanted..what..?" Tabasa questioned, raising an eyebrow. "............A..big.. brother..?"

Russell nodded.

"That...I..well.. Guess I'm everyones friendly big bro, but.. eh..you.. uh..really scared me there.." Another anxious sigh left his mouth, as he wiped away the sweat running down his forehead and finally let go of Russells wrist which the little boy immediately let disappear in his pocket.

And that was when Tabasa saw something.

Something green, red and blue on his wrist.

 

Tabasa blinked for a second, before shrugging it off and squatting to be on the boys height. "So uh.. Russell.. you.. really wanted.. to kill me..right..?"

Russell nodded.

"D-do..you.. you know.. have.. a reason for that..?"

Russell shrugged.

Both fell silent again, but this time the silence was uncomfortable. "I..I..well..Do you..um..yeah.. still.. want.. to kill me..?"

Russell hesitated, then answered with a silent "No."

It was like, that feeling that you only get once. A feeling where you want to kill, but it would soon disappear again. Honestly, somewhere, deep, deep down Russell wanted Tabasa to stay.

Tabasa was nice.

Tabasa didn't hate him.

Tabasa was gentle.

...

But he hated that he didn't know this.

And so, Russell was scared.

 

 

 

Russell continued to stare into the zookeepers eyes with his blue, dull, empty eyes. Tabasa finally got a good look of his face, noticing a scar on the boys cheek. "Huh.. what's that..?", he questioned, but Russell only shrugged. "You should be more careful.. wait, let me get a bandage..", he said, smiling at him carefully, straightening up.

The little boy nodded.

He didn't care.

Tabasa soon came back to Russell, gently putting the bandage over the small cut on Russells face.

"Thanks."

Tabasa nodded, going through Russells hair with his hand. "Don't worry about it."

Russell shrugged, not saying anything else. He didn't care more. And so he was quiet.

Silence hang between the two males. "...I'll keep quiet about this, I don't want to cause trouble. Russell... um.. if you want.. I can be your friend. You seem quite lonely", he suggested, and for a brief second Tabasa felt like he saw something glimmering in Russells eyes.

But it disappeared as quickly as it came.

Russell shrugged again. ".....I don't mind."

"Okay! You know, I'm always here so it can't be that hard to find me. Just go around the zoo. On tuesdays evenings I'm normally feeding the animals in the petting zoo, so you can look there for me, alright?"

Russell nodded.

"You should go home now, your parents are surely worried."

If they were.

Only if they were.

Only if they cared.

Only if they worried.

Russell only nodded.

"See you, Russell."

Again, Tabasa got nothing but a nod and so Russell opened the door, leaving the room with quick steps.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friend. Something Russell never had.  
> ...  
> Except Chris of course, but why did Tabasa care so much?


	4. Puddle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russell wasn't completely alone. He wasn't alone, he did have a friend.  
> A nice one.

But Russell didn't go home, he walked around, even though his legs weren't holding him at all. But he didn't want to go home just yet, an annoyed sigh left the boys mouth as he looked to the side, seeing how the sun went down.  
The calm, orange-yellow sun.  
It was a nice sight, he heard that such a sight was supposed to be romantic and many people smile at the sight of it.  
But Russell didn't feel anything.  
He didn't smile.  
He didn't care much.  
He fiddled around with his hands, before hiding them in his pockets again and going around the area where Chris lived. It wasn't that nice here, but Russell enjoyed the silence.  
And the sea. So he sat down at the edge, his legs hanging as he looked down at the water.  
Russell saw his reflection, reaching out for it with one hand and almost falling into the sea, but he managed to gain balance again. He shook his head, before gazing down again. That was when he saw a dark shadow around him, in the water, but as soon as he looked behind him there was nothing.  
Weird.

So Russell just shrugged it off, staring at the water once again before getting up. His legs hurt and his stomach growled loudly. Somewhere he heard a church, if he counted right it must be about 7 pm now.  
Not that late.  
And if he remembered right, Chris must be eating dinner right now.  
...  
Would it be okay to show up? He didn't want to bother them.. They were poor anyways, they didn't have to also feed him.. But.. His dad was surely not gonna give him anything..  
"Hey Russell, whatcha' doin' 'ere?" A voice suddenly spoke up, pulling Russell out of his thoughts. Chris looked at him, his eyes widening at the sight of the boy. "Man, you alright? Ya got a lot of new bruises. Should I get something from the 'ospital again? Your old man again, right?"  
Russell nodded.  
"I knew it." Chris smiled, putting his hands to his side. "Alright, come. Can't just let you out 'ere, did your old man lock you out again or what are you doing 'ere?"  
"I went to the zoo because I had to flee from dad somehow and didn't want to bother you..", he answered honestly, his voice empty and his expression dull.  
"You never bother me, Russ'. Now come, not really nice out 'ere. Don't like it around 'ere at night, 'eard kids were getting kidnapped. Don't want you walking around 'ere."

Russell only nodded at that, following his friend to his apartment. They soon got there and Chris opened the door, motioning Russell to close it behind him.  
After Russell did as he was told, Chris went up to his mom. "Hey, mom, picked Russ' up on the way 'ere. Can he stay 'ere for dinner?", he asked nicely, smiling. His mom nodded a little, turning around to face the bruised boy. "Ah.. Russell, family problems again?"  
A nod.  
"Alright. Just sit down, dinner is done soon. You know we're not rich or anything, but I'll do my best for you two." Another nod from Russell. "Don't do too much for me, it's alright."  
"Nope! You're already underweight! Not letting you starve." The mother smiled gently, then looking over at her son.  
Chris spoke up, avoiding eye contact. "Mom? Can I hurry over to the 'ospital real quick and buy something for Russ'? I'm pretty sure that hurts a lot what he got there", he asked, his mom sighing for a second but then nodding. "It's fine Chris. I know you care about Russell a lot, so go."  
"Thanks!" Chris nodded, smiling at Russell for a second. "Alright man, I'll be back. Don't eat everything without me!" He winked with one eye, rushing out of the house.

Russell just nodded, looking after Chris for a second before sitting down on Chris' bed. "Hm.. will you be alright with just staying here for dinner, or do you also need a place for the night?"  
"..I'll be alright with just staying for dinner, as long as dad doesn't lock me out again..", he said, looking up at her with an empty expression.  
"Okay! Mind to help me?"  
Russell nodded, getting up again and walking over to her, helping her making dinner until Chris would be back. Actually, it was fun with Chris' mom. She was nice, way nicer than his. It must be great, to have such a loving mother.. He lost himself in his thoughts, but soon shaking his head to pull himself back to reality. Whatever.. he didn't care anyways.  
He couldn't care about it.  
Soon Chris came back, closing the door behind him and walking up to Russell. "Aaaalrighty, let's fix this up. When cha gonna be done with making Dinner, mom?"  
"Almost done!"  
"Good. Heh, now come. Can't just see you suffer here, sit down", Chris said, pointing at the bed and Russell did as he was told.  
His friend bend down, rolling up his sleeves carefully. "Maaaaaaan. You look terrible, nothing's broken? ..That's good. Wish I could really help you more, Russ'. You don't deserve to be treated like this, you're a nice guy. Even if you're quite quiet, man, it's understandable."  
All he got from Russell were some nods, as Chris handed him a cooling pack for his wrist. "'ere. Why was your old man even so angry? Man, you look like he tried to kill you or something."  
Russell was silent, shrugging a bit.

"Hm. Really shitty. Must suck a lot to live there." Chris sighed, before straightening up again. "Alright, that's all I can do for you for now. Hope it's enough and all. Better be careful, don't want anything to get too worse. Before you land in hospital again."  
The little, empty boy nodded, staring up at Chris with his dull, blue eyes. He heard his stomach growl and Chris chuckled. "Man, ya sound like you haven't eaten in days. Even worse than me, jeeez." Russell just got up, not saying anything to that. A little yawn left his mouth, he rubbed one of his tired eyes. "Heeeeh."  
"Hey, Chris, care to help me?" Chris nodded, running over to his mom and helping her getting the food to the table, Russell just sat down already.  
After that, he stared at his food. "Come on, ya can eat. I don't want you to starve, and it's all nice. Got it fresh."  
Another nod from the always silent boy.  
"...Hey, Russ', everything alright? You're even quieter than normally."  
Russell hesitated, then shook his head. "I'll.. tell you later..", he muttered out, and Chris just shrugged, already starting to eat.

They both quickly ate, and soon Russell got up to leave, but Chris jumped up from his chair too. “Hey, man, didn’t ya want to explain me?” He asked, running over to him. Russell just shrugged, his expression empty and his eyes dull. He shrugged again, before sighing. “Um..” He didn’t exactly know how to explain it, so he turned away to leave. “..Alright, if you don’t want. Should I come with? Not really safe alone out there at night.” He suggested, following Russell out. He just shrugged, not caring much. He never really minded Chris’ company, so it was alright.  
The moon was already up, some clouds hanging in the sky. “Heh. I 'eard some kids were getting kidnapped at night here, so I wouldn’t really want to walk around alone 'ere.” Sometimes he got a nod from Russell, but that was it. Russell never really talked, he didn’t feel like it. And so, both fell quiet as they walked.  
The silence was quite uncomfortable for Chris, but he understood when his friend didn’t want to talk. So he just kind of had to go along with it, knowing Russell he would speak if he wanted to. Chris didn’t really want to watch Russell go back to his old man, but he didn’t really have anything to say. He couldn’t let him stay with him, he didn’t have the money for that.  
And running to the police would also be stupid.

Soon they got there, Chris smiling at his friend. “Aaaaalrighty. See ya then, be careful. Is the door open? Not that your old man locked you out again.” Russell shrugged, trying to open the door and succeeding. “’kay. I’ll be going then.” Chris nodded, leaving quickly. The little boy quietly closed the door behind him, gulping. Luckily, everything was quiet. That was nice, his mom wasn’t sleeping with another guy again. It was really annoying, having to listen to them all the time.   
Russell sat down in his corner, pulling his legs close and putting his head on his knees. He yawned tiredly, closing his eyes. He didn’t have a bed, nor anything to sleep on. So.. He would have to sleep on the floor. He didn’t care anymore, he was used to it at this point. It took him quite a time to fall asleep, but he soon got waken up by his dads yelling. He was a little surprised for a brief second, but calmed down quickly and stared up with dull, blue eyes.  
He smelled beer, looking up into his dads eyes. He hated him. The smell of the alcohol.  
His angered eyes. Terrible.  
His tall figure. Ugly.  
He should just die.


	5. Invitation

He felt a hit on his arm, but he just ignored it. The bruises and cuts covering his body, he didn’t even feel them anymore. All he felt, was numb. Nothing at all. The little boy was empty and couldn’t even care about anything anymore. He couldn’t think anymore and he didn’t even want to care anymore.  
A time ago, he still tried. He would still try to get his parents to love him, buy flowers or other things. He would do everything for his mom to just get encouraging words, but nothing ever came back. No kindness. No gentleness.  
Only hate.  
They hated him, they hated him so much. For them, Russell was nothing but human garbage. And so Russell had taken his feelings, locked them away and hid the key nowhere to be found. So that he could stay numb to the pain. He didn’t want to feel anything anymore.  
He gulped, getting up as his dad grabbed his wrist and pulled him up. He didn’t care, he didn’t resist, he didn’t say anything. He looked up, looked him in the eyes with his blue, empty and dull eyes. Like the eyes of a doll, without life.   
And this little boy has been turned into a puppet. A puppet that you could hit and hate without having to feel bad.

He felt his face slapped, his cheek turning deep red but he couldn't care. He got pushed against the wall, then finally left alone as his dad went to the couch and fell asleep there. Russell finally got a chance to look around, noticing his mom just coming home. He slowly got up, everything still hurt but he couldn't bring himself to care. Silently he went over to the fridge, ignoring his mother that went to the only bed in this house and got himself very little to eat, since he was practically starving.  
He had to eat, even if he didn't want to. There was a part of him that still wanted to live, surely, deep down. But it existed. He ate quietly, staring down at the table and smelling alcohol. His dad was drunk, again, but at least he was sleeping. Russell hated this house so much. But he didn't care enough to leave. He didn't care enough to run away. He didn't care enough.  
He didn't care at all, in fact.  
So after eating, Russell had given up on sleeping. All he heard was his dads snoring, as he slowly walked to the bathroom, pulling his diary out of a dresser.   
The only place where he could be free with his thoughts. The only moments he could forget about the real world. He wrote a little in it, like always, describing everything.  
Especially the thing with Tabasa.  
Which still bothered him.

He wondered why he even accepted Tabasa. Was this even right? For him, to have a friend? Maybe not every adult was like his parents? It was weird. All the kindness he didn't understand. He was confused. He looked over at a little clock that was hanging on the wall, it would soon be 3 am. And this boy hasn't slept more than 2-3 hours, but he honestly couldn't care less.  
He yawned a bit, but ignoring how tired he was he went into the bathroom and quickly showered. Once he was undressed it was finally seen how terrible this boy it had. His whole arms were bruised and his chest didn't look better, nor did his legs. He looked like he was about to collapse, but he was able to hold himself on his feet and got into the shower that only had cold water. He was already glad that he even had water in the first place since his parents didn't even have any money to pay the bills.  
Since the water was cold anyways there was no use staying in the shower longer than he needed to, so he got out soon and put on some new clothes, which still kind of were the same though. A white Y-shirt and blue shorts. He stared out the window, noticing the sun slowly rising. Shaking his still wet hair, he had to ignore it. They didn't have a hair dryer so towels where the only thing he had to dry his hair.  
He hated this life so much.  
How long would he still have to live in this hell?  
Neglected and abandoned?  
Hated and used as a punching bag?  
Where nobody cared about him?  
Where the sun never shined?

School. A place where he normally never went to, he often skipped school with Chris, but today he went there. At least his teachers didn't even care anymore when he didn't go to school. They knew that his parents didn't give a shit anyways.  
The class was having sports lessons and Russell was skipping it with Chris in the hallways. Chris dragged his friend into the boys bathroom, his eyes sparkling and holding a white letter in his hands. "Man, man, man, man, MAN DID YOU SEE THAT", Chris was shaking from excitement but Russell just stared at the letter he had. "Duh. Russ'. Gardenia. just. Talked to me. She just. Went. UP TO ME. And--" Russell cut him off. "And gave you an invitation to her birthday." He nodded. "I'm aware of that. And now?" Chris stared down at Russell, moving his hands in the air. "And now??? What's wrong with you dude! Do you care about girls at all?"  
Russell shook his head.  
"..Man, I should've known. Ya really don't care about anything. But like, how can you not like Gardenia??? She's so lovely and beautiful, like an angel man! A damn angel! And she's rich. Her house must be so goddamn big! Duh, the food must be so great!" Chris rambled on and on, but Russell couldn't care much. He just shrugged most of the time or shook his head. He didn't say a single word.  
"It's on friday, right, right? God I'm so excited. What if she talks to me?? Russell you have to come too!" Chris grabbed his hand, holding it. "Please please please!!" He begged, and Russell just rolled his eyes and nodded. "Alright, alright.." He sighed.  
So annoying.  
He didn't like Gardenia at all.  
She was nice to everyone.  
And it wasn't even a big deal that they were invited.  
She just did it to be equally nice to everyone.  
Everyone got an invitation.

Soon, they had to sneak back to class though since sports lessons were over. Russell only skipped the sports lessons due to obvious reasons and Chris had went along with it, especially since he first had to calm down from all the energy and fluster rushing through his body. Even if it was a little sad that Russell didn't seem to care at all. But Chris knew that his friend was always like that, he honestly couldn't blame him since he knew how terrible his parents were. Man, his mom also slept with married men but at least she payed attention to him and tried to take good care of him!  
Russell never understood the kindness Chris' mom gave Chris.  
...  
And somehow, she was nice to him too. It was weird. So very weird.  
Soon the school day would be over. Soon Russell would go visit Tabasa again.  
And so, he left the school with a sigh after the bell rang, but he only shrugged when Chris asked him where he was going to go today. So Chris decided not to bother him with it, just smiling and still holding the letter in his hands.  
Russell had immediately went to the zoo, looking around to find Tabasa. He honestly.. liked talking with him. It was nice.  
But he couldn't really care.  
No, he still didn't care about Tabasa.  
...  
And it was better that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What an angel.


End file.
